Jaded

Been feeling pretty jaded for a couple months now. I think this is also partly related to my recent post about not having any real accomplishments in my life. At first, I thought the problem was that I just needed something, some big accomplishment, I could do that would make me proud of my life. But then yesterday I thought about things that I have accomplished (passed RHCE exam, JLPT N2 exam, raising a daughter together with my wife) and I realized I had done some positive things in my life. I don’t have much to complain about.

So then I realized the problem isn’t much about goals and such, but more about just feeling jaded, bored, maybe a little depressed. Kind of like that Aerosmith song (same name), where the girl has lots of things around her to entertain her, but she’s still bored. Two-thirds of the way through, she writes on the mirror that she wants to feel.

A lot of things I used to write about on the blog are things I was very passionate about, but lately I don’t feel that same sense of determination or excitement I did before, and I think the blog suffers as a result. So, I tried to revise the subjects a bit, but it seems like it only worked for a while.

But it’s not just the blog. I don’t really have a lot of excitement toward any particular activities these days. I do a lot of things in my spare time but mostly just because I don’t want to fall behind. A sense of obligation is not a good motivator. Otherwise I spend my time just playing classic Halo on Linux (using WINE), or sleeping.

I thought maybe I was just tired so I got more sleep recently and that hasn’t helped. I think I just don’t have any real motivation lately. I figure that if I find something that really motivates me, I’ll regain my focus and excitement again, but at the moment it’s just not there.

I miss having that sense of passion toward something and the long-term drive to finish it. I have plenty of “projects” and unfinished things, but no motivation to finish them anymore.

So yeah, feeling pretty jaded right now. Not depressed or anything like that. I still lots of fun moments with my wife and daughter or with friends. Just feeling “blah”, unfocused and unmotivated. :-/

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About Doug

A fellow who dwells upon the Pale Blue Dot who spends his days obsessing over things like Buddhism, KPop music, foreign languages, BSD UNIX and science fiction.
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9 Responses to Jaded

  1. Susanne Mari says:

    I’m sorry to hear. I know what you mean though; I feel like this occasionally. Sometimes it just takes time..

  2. Leo Rivers says:

    Seek out friends for a social perspective of yourself. Wilhelm Reich was talking about community not politics when in “What Is Class Consciousness?” he pointed out that we are sunk in the knowledge of our fears until a larger ‘group knowing’ raises us up out of them. This higher view untethered to or sunk in self is part of what made the Buddha Buddha.

  3. Doug 陀愚 says:

    Hi Susanne and thank you. :-). I figured it’s a matter of time but I sure wish it would hurry up. ;-p

  4. Doug 陀愚 says:

    Thanks Leo. :-). I’m ironically jaded toward Buddhism too right now so maybe I am doing something wrong. ;-p

    Still, the point you made from the “Class Consciousness” book is good food for thought. :-)

  5. Pink Ninjabi says:

    that must be really difficult and my apologies for not having kept in touch. your lull is normal and I am going through the same thing toom everything you just described. you are not alone in this and sometimes life just accumulates all at once. try not to pressure yourself too much to have to feel a certain way and just savour whatever moments come day by day.

    pink.

  6. Doug 陀愚 says:

    Hi PN,

    Yeah that’s good advice: take it easy; let things take their course.

  7. Pink Ninjabi says:

    Greetings,

    Yes, after watching Season 1 of Nikita, it made me realize that when life’s got you down, you often have to make a stand for what you want as well. It’s tough, but it’s nice to follow the flow of wanting better.

    Much support to you!

    Pink.

  8. kelleynymph says:

    Take some time off to rest and rejuvenate. Sometimes lack of relaxation leads to depression. Hope you feel better, I find your blog very interesting.

  9. Doug 陀愚 says:

    Hi Kelleynymph and thank you. My wife pretty much said the same thing (coincidentally we’re thinking about taking a small family vacation soon).

    Glad you find it interesting. Feedback is always helpful.

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